Breaking the silence is like breaking the ice and thus close to declaring a war.
I’ve tried doing that by just voicing out my opinion or simply stating the facts. It turned out bad. The last time I wanted to say something but stopped myself would be the times I’m conversing with my parents. I control myself or shun away when speaking as not to cause anger but would mean a lot of discomfort for me. I restrain myself upon saying the words that pop out of my head. When questions are asked (provoking me to respond the way they don’t want me to), I think before uttering the words, I know how words can harm others sharp as the blade of a knife especially when speaking the truth that people try best to deny.
What I wanted to say is that I know people turn to me because they trust me, that I wanted someone else to share the burden with but could not because I pledged my word to them. I hope others would know the stories first hand, there’s a big part in me that wanted people to know the stories for a change instead of the filtered ones. I saw how people wear different masks and how they unconsciously fall off. I saw a lot of gray areas in life, of the complications of relationships and how establishing a false peace could actually cause more rifts that you can imagine. I’m like the waste bin or sponge that collects all the bad things people had to experience. I’m okay with that, being the listener somehow could help them ease the pain or feel much comfortable. I found a way to mend the wounds and heal. In my whole existence, I just hope that they truly knew me. They were the ones who raised me and it is sad that they still don’t know me, or that they chose not to listen.
Being good doesn’t mean we back down all the time or that we should accept every single thing as if there’s nothing we can do about them. If we acknowledge that there is a problem, we could work our way to finding a solution or at least talk things out. If we pretended that all is good, then we are giving up the chance of really patching things up. Being nice doesn’t mean we blindly follow everything just to maintain the “peace”, it is something that comes from the heart, something that you want to express.
I had broken the silence before, and that meant I have changed. That angered them, probably not being able to pacify me anymore or obediently follow all the rules they have established. I realized that you don’t need to shout to get heard; you just need to speak the truth. Of course, that did not end well. I’m not asking for anything big. I just want them to listen and know that I get hurt too, to realize that I adjust all the time and that all I want is proper communication (not one-sided confrontation). I hope they can see how many times they have ranted to me and when it’s my turn to share my views they shut me out. I can see how unfair things are and that’s just the way of the world I guess. The thin line shatters as you bravely cross it, the right ones became wrong, and one must give way to those who did wrong.
I recently read Jimmy Liao’s inspiring works （绘画）and drew some lines that I wanted to say:
我對你訴苦時，請你一定要安慰我。我就是需要你溫暖的安慰，才會對你說。當我正在為保守秘密苦惱時，請不要靠訴我任何新的秘密。當我哭泣時，請給我時間收拾眼淚。當我沮喪難過時，請給我溫暖的擁抱。當我變得和你的氣袋不一樣時，請愛我原來的樣子，疼我原來的樣子，讚美我原來的樣子。-幾米 Jimmy Liao