People wear masks; something that they think is good enough to cover their inner self or their weaknesses. In the process of the masquerade, one is left vulnerable and eventually his/her being would be revealed. Tears come easily even after recovering from it. The healing started but my heart became weary again. I may have become stronger, but repetitive circumstances lead me to the pit again. As always, my sister and I are expected to adjust, blend in, fit in and understand. Just sometimes, that role is tiring. Consequently, our heart and mind suffer, the relationships become strained and we constantly find ourselves stuck into this web of manipulation, as we are the dolls being controlled by the strings. I try several times to clear my head, shift to focus, and trust His grace that He will give me peace. He never fails to do so but the shadows keep holding me back. I became reluctant to share but I find myself plunging back to my old self, opening up naturally and imparting my views, thus making myself vulnerable again. Sometimes, I wish I could escape this loop. My family expects me to be the good girl I’ve always been, but they don’t want me to be too nice because people might take advantage of me. When I began to exhibit some bolder qualities, they shoot my confidence down, reprimand my actions, and leaving me to a void where I don’t know my place anymore. They want me to learn yet they don’t want the little girl to grow up. I suddenly remember JJ Lin’s song “Just one shot, they will lift you up and take you down the same…Only got one shot, will you give it all you got? Or will you bleed it out in vain?”
I successfully diverted my attention to other interests like sports – Tennis (Wimbledon, US Open, Australian Open, etc), basketball (UAAP, PBA & NBA), football, F1, etc – watched different games and followed updates. I focused on my online courses, write stories/journal, read, grab the opportunity to go out and also finish my workload. They are not willing to listen, instead they just patch a band-aid solution and expect us to heal on our own. I think my solutions are patches too, but I have to make it into a habit that would effect change in my life and inner being. I want to continue my plan to put up a business like our dream coffee shop. There should be mobilization or everything will remain stagnant. Right now, trying to pile my schedule with activities, work and any opportunity to be out of the house is what drives me.
I read this from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People:
“If they derive their own security from the family, their need to be popular with their children may override the importance of a long-term investment in their children’s growth and development. Or they may be focused on the proper and correct behavior of the moment. Any behavior that they consider improper threatens their security. They become upset, guided by the emotions of the moment, spontaneously reacting to the immediate concern rather than the long-term growth and development of the child.”