“Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.” – H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
I couldn’t erase what happened, but I do not regret it. Just like before, I haven’t gotten the chance to say my piece yet and I get reprimanded right away, I am counting by stating a single fact. “Mang ko seng lo.” I was just merely pointing out a problem but they’re already closing the gates. What we are trying to say was the unfairness of the situations where we’re like jigsaw puzzles that you try to fit in where you think we can fit in but the edges doesn’t match. That’s the problem, they close up open wounds without dealing with it and the problem comes back when they thought it has already healed. If they wanted to enumerate, I can start doing that. We were reminded not to be envious, but this is not about envy. And I don’t envy their lifestyle. It’s stating the reality that as long as they cradle them like, they won’t grow up. My sister is right, maybe we’re envious that our brother can drive and we can’t, that he can go around on his own without being bothered by everyone, that he doesn’t get scolded and that his mistakes are not being pointed at him every single time.
But it has been this way all along, we don’t get to acknowledge that there are problems. Pretend that all is well. They just put out the desire to make things better. I hear them when they say that they fear that this family would break, but patching some bandages doesn’t cure the problem when the damage is already done. To contain the damage, you have to bravely face the problem and try to fix it. Letting everything fall in its own place does not provide a good solution to every open wound that has not totally healed up and constantly been grazed with new slashes.
Great responsibility doesn’t come with great power. I have to squeeze every inch of me to be sane. If you’re bad, you get to be understood; if you’re good, you receive much higher expectations as if every wrong move could equate to being bad and rebellious.
I understand why people tell me things, I appreciate that they do and I listen with my mind and heart to what they want to relate to me. Please don’t remind me why I’m the end-receiver because I already know that. Please don’t shout at me and say as if I should embrace every negative weight that’s been shot at me. I may not be fragile, but I get tired too. I’m not perfect. All I’ve done is accept and accept and you don’t even see that. Every single word we say you already have an answer to it. How do you expect us to say anything anymore? But we actually did say something, repeatedly, but all we got was no response, our feelings ignored leaving us to fend for ourselves.
If the treatment is fair, then we won’t say anything anymore. But you guys don’t hear yourselves anymore on how you talk to them and how you talk to us. You said, when I was given the chance to solemnly talk it out, I didn’t comply; but that was just 20 seconds and you gave up. How can anything be resolved without communication? Communication is mutual exchange of ideas, where there’s a sender and a receiver and the message being sent and the feedback that you get from the listener.
I realize now how fearful you are in facing the problems, just a simple problem and you would cross it out and pretend that nothing ever did happen. I grew up being true to myself, isn’t that the principles you instilled in us? Why should we pretend that everything is good? I want what’s best for my brother too, that’s why we’re not fine with the situation. I would impart what I can for the sake of the child’s future and their whole family and not just cradle them. But I guess that doesn’t matter, because we should aim for peace and harmony. So stay put, quiet and keep everything to yourself. It’s like pretending that disaster his happening around us and we stand in the middle of it acting as if all is well.
Being patient, obedient and understanding doesn’t pay off, in the end they will turn everything against you. It’s just sad that after all these years, the people you’re living with doesn’t even know the real you. There are many unresolved issues that just get embedded and it doesn’t mean it’s not there. No matter what I do, it’s never enough.
“You can’t play on broken strings. You can’t feel anything that your heart don’t want to feel.
I can’t tell you something that ain’t real. The truth hurts, the lies worse, how can I feel anymore…” (Broken Strings, James Morrison)
“People say that I’m amazing, I never face retreat
But they don’t see the enemies that lay me at His feet
They don’t know that I come running home when I fall down,
They don’t know who picks me up when no one is around.
I drop my sword and look up for his smile
because deep inside this armor, the warrior is a child.”
(The Warrior is A Child, Gary Valenciano)
Wait for me, to gather my act…that maybe all is well after everything….