I don’t get it…

I need a vacation. To clear my head, to write, to just relax… Several months have passed since I cried. Yesterday was a low point and a trigger let down all my defenses. I was fine, positive and happy the past few months, smiling about and accepting whatever it is that is happening. I don’t get it what’s wrong with what I said. I don’t get it, why we should be blamed when all we’ve done is to accept and understand. I don’t get it, if we’re doing everything we can to accommodate their feelings and situations, can’t they also try to see our positions as well? I don’t get it, why after all my hardwork and patience, that I’ll have to be blamed for not complaining. So what should I do? If they don’t see what we see, do we say, ‘hey how about you guys try it out?’ They were not there to experience it every single day. They got their escape whereas I don’t. We try to understand their stance, hopefully they’d be able to understand ours too. I don’t get it why we should be scolded, when we just simply replied to a question. I don’t get it why they don’t say what they don’t like about a lot of things and people and prefer to take it out on us. When we do or not do something, we’re still being picked on. It’s really like damn if you do, damn if you don’t. If pretensions is what they like, I cannot offer them. If they fall for the pretentious actions or believe just the part that they see, then so be it, just don’t include me in the equation. For the past months, I’ve been truthful in my actions, tried my best to be the obedient little girl and already recovered from depressing moods and thoughts. Now, maybe it’s the weather too, it’s coming down on me again. The stress hasn’t gone away, but I’ve learned to deal with them, if they’d just let us be ourselves. Sorry if we snap sometimes, we just can’t help it, if they carry on with they way they treat us. At this age, we still give them the details while we have to guess theirs and constantly dig for information, but we still get questioned on what we’re doing as if it’s something incriminating. I don’t get it why we have to answer for the wrong that their sons did. We’re trying our best to be considerate, to fit in to the situation where there’s room, and just hope that we don’t get entangled to their problems with their sons. I don’t get why they do every little thing for them when they can let them learn on their own instead of providing all that they need. I don’t get why we have to comply as well in serving them when we clearly see that their not doing anything. For our sanity’s sake, please, spare us this little bit of freedom, we don’t ask much.

I don’t get what’s wrong with hanging out with our cousins, we’re not doing anything bad, even giving them an outline what we are going to do, where we’re going. I know it’s hard not to worry, but what are we doing wrong, when we’re just cooking food and exploring baking ideas? What’s wrong with that? We’re not drinking nor do we gamble, party or doing anything illegal! What wrong with cooking, what’s wrong with talking!? No one taught us how to cook, so we’re just trying out by ourselves and we’re happy with the process and the outcome. I hope they’d understand sooner, that that’s just how we live life. We’re not wasting time, we’re learning in our experiences. We’re all living in the boundaries that they set, followed suit to their requests, commands and demands. Are they asking for disobedience as they continue to suffocate us? That’s just our small breathing space, to keep our sanity intact.



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