Resist your thoughts, the words and the lure of wanting to utter them. Swallow them down and eventually forget the urge to say them. Dilute them with caffeine, to keep the senses alert instead of letting bitterness drag me down. It’s hard to control sometimes, but we give in to what society requires. Until something in us is being eaten, feelings are numbed or simply ignored. Not until the tears start to fall again, if permitted, could that tiny escape be granted even for just a moment? It’s been a long time since I let the tears drop. It started again when angkong’s condition became critical and when it was his time to go. I thought my feelings have become numbed but it’s just that my face became tensed in trying to control the tears because people didn’t like that. I eventually fell into deep thoughts no matter how much I want to forget them. I restrained them and somehow carrying these chains around hasn’t been easy.
Sometimes we wish we could bring back our past selves, to be able to restore all factory settings and start over as if nothing has changed. But we can’t. Something did change, influenced by our experiences we’d find that we could never be the same person again. I want to dwell upon His words so that I won’t continue getting lost, that no matter what happens I can find my way back.
More patience will flow when you feel that the water has run dry. There will be a well of patience that God has helped store for you. A surprisingly abundant wealth of patience.
“Count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.” James 1:2-3
“Every obstacle, every annoyance, and every genuine heartache in our lives is part of God’s curriculum to produce persistent, tenacious, rich, deep trust in Him. Patience isn’t killing time until we experience more personal peace and affluence. It’s riveting our affections on God and His purposes every moment of every day.” – Zig Ziglar
“God takes life’s broken pieces and gives us unbroken peace.” – Wilbert Donald Gough